I remember writing,
"We fully accept the “Come follow me”, but are we willing to accept the “Sell everything you have and give to the poor,” portion of the calling? We seem to have skipped right over that part. How much of a commitment will this really take? Are we willing to sacrifice our comforts to become completely dedicated to the call?"
Our primary struggle was whether or not to "sell everything we have" in order to sacrifice the stability of a career to free up time for Justin to focus on study and ministry. With the constant stresses of Justin's job we had become anxious to relinquish the blessings of job security for a lower-stress lifestyle. I might have seemed a bit nervous by this plan, but my main fear in leaving the job, was not the lack of funds, but my own personal lack of self-control and diligence to manage the situation properly (could my free-spirit take on life truly be able to stick to a tight budget?). But nevertheless I was determined to sacrifice our financial safety net before other things that are more important to me. So I then wrote,
"Some would say we would be better off to sacrifice time rather than wealth; to keep the salary, continue in school and have less time for other things. But if all our time is spent with Justin studying and working (both full-time hours) in addition to all our other responsibilities in the church and our family, we are not simply sacrificing time, we are sacrificing relationships. Our marriage will weaken, friends and family will have to be neglected: is that what Jesus has called us to? I don’t believe so! Jesus has called us to make disciples -- to minister to those in our home and in our lives. I would rather my children suffer the pains of hunger than to be starved from love."
Justin began seeking godly counsel in this area. He conversed via email to our church leaders, had a very candid conversation with one of his college professors, we had a heart-to-heart talk with our best friends and co-ministers, and the elders and other men met around Justin to specifically pray for our upcoming decision. Over and over the overwhelming advice we were given was to keep the job. I wanted to scream! The thoughts constantly clouding my mind were, "Why isn't anyone telling us to leave it behind? We are ready to give it up, why are you tempting us to stay?" I was very confused.
We listened to what they said; we shared our hearts. Many times we shared the writing about the Rich Young Ruler. The most convincing argument we heard through all of this was, "Are you WILLING to sell everything you have?" The answer was indeed, "YES." So it was evident to all that are hearts were in the right place as far as our willingness to sacrifice. However, as the overwhelmingly unanimous advice kept rolling in I began to realize that what I was willing to sacrifice might not have been what God was actually asking for.
God asks us for the best of what we have, the firsts of what we have. Time with my husband (over financial stability) could be considered the first-fruits of my desires. It is what I desire FIRST. I covet time with my husband over anything else on this earth. I would rather be able to spend more time with him than with my kids, my girlfriends, my church, my parents, my job, my hobbies, etc. And God, Himself, knows that yes; I struggle with desiring my husband over desiring my Lord (I am, after all, a woman and am thereby subject to the curse of Eve). So I must consider the fact that if I am only willing to sacrifice that which costs my heart very little, I am no better than Cain. I am offering a sub-standard sacrifice hoping to appease God by bringing him only what I choose to let go of. My sacrifice could be not only displeasing to the Lord, but an act of rebellious disobedience.
I am not concerned with our finances. It carries very little weight on my heart. Because of that, I have come to realize that money and things are NOT the sacrifice that God is asking me to make. He wants the best of me. The best thing about me is my relationship with Justin. I am a good mother, because we have a biblical marriage. I am a good friend, because our marriage influences all my other relationships. I am a good church member because I work for and support my husband's calling to ministry. The list goes on.
I know that God is what makes our marriage strong. But, if I truly examine my heart, I may come to realize that, in this circumstance, perhaps it's more as if I placed God there myself; that I am responsible for keeping God as the priority in our relationship - therefore because I was faithful to do this that I am ultimately responsible for the health of our marriage. After looking a little deeper, I might come to say that I have a control issue. I know what our marriage is supposed to look like, so I do the work to make it biblical, loving, supportive, strong and God-filled. But placing God inside my little marriage box isn't the same as giving my marriage box to God. Giving control of my marriage over to God may indeed be the greatest sacrifice I will ever have to make.
So all of this is to say that I was wrong. My heart was misguided by selfish desires. I do believe that in my time of prayer before writing about the Rich Young Ruler, the Holy Spirit prompted me to communicate the things locked so deeply in my heart so that I could gain a fresh perspective on how I had been limiting God's control in my life, specifically in my marriage. I am proud of the message He sent me and how my humble fingers were able to communicate it so passionately. I am certain that in specific contexts it will be a thought that I will reference and use to encourage others. However, I am most grateful for the godly counsel we received from those we love and trust and how the messages the Holy Spirit shared through them shaped my thinking to reveal the real heart of the issue.
I am revived and excited about this new adventure we are embarking on. We have indeed been blessed by the gift of financial stability the Lord has offered to us. Justin will remain employed with fewer hours (meaning less, but still more than substantial pay) while maintaining his full-time benefits and retaining all his vacation days! What an overwhelmingly compassionate answer to my awkward and selfish request. I have faith in myself and my husband, to let God take care of that which I hold dearest, which I now place in the all capable hands of the Creator. I no longer wish to be limited by my own means, but choose to rely solely on the power and care of the almighty Father. I look forward to the miracle that only HE can perform in our marriage. Let the glory be to Him alone.
